With the coming of the return of the 'Beaver Den', so has the illusive "eFox" (I think they go with the little e to try and rip off the concept first invented by Apple and the iPod..then again, that was a concept that has been stolen so many time since then as well, so I really shouldn't mince words or digress like I have in the confines of a silent thought like I'm having here, but I just can not seem to help my self). So who is this "eFox"? Nothing more than one of THE MOST AWESOMEST OF PEOPLE THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN!?!?! Not trying to blow smoke up anyones rears here, but I have nothing but adoration and super awesome words to say about this secretive "eFox". Those that know him, know him well, and those who have no clue who he is, fear him and his steely resolve. Of course, with great awesomeness comes bouts of paranoia. The "eFox" is afraid of government, in which he has given contradiction to his own thoughts by saying that people shouldn't fear the governments, but governments should fear their people (which is the only awesome thing to come out of the movie "V is for Vendetta"). Apparently, "eFox" has resorted to lambasting Blogger as a member of the gestapo that has been a fall out from the multitudes of bills that have been passed that make up the 'Homeland Security Initiative' (I'm not one to rant about political trifles of the sort, nor do I really contemplate thinking my opinion matters, I choose not to vote so I can't complain!). Of course, by writing all this, the illusive 'eFox' will write once more, and tell me how I'm just begging for a hurting, or something like that, but with that, I wan tot say this to the "eFox"...bring your banter big boy, and add some spice to this crockpot of awesomeness that is THE BEAVER DEN! I'm willing to bet that one thing that "eFox" will tell me is this, "you are totally misrepresenting me and my ideals." Well, you might have to ask that yourself, and then begin to contribute a counterpoint to what I say (I've become devious since I've been married).
Of course, if "eFox" is right, and Blogger is equal to Big Brother, then what more important thing to create for shear survival, than my own assumed identity. But what goes into creating a assumed identity? Stealing someone else's identity is a bad idea (there are too many cases of stolen identities that it would be easy to be caught), so I suggest coming up with really cool ones instead, and short back stories to give them life and personality. So, in the tradition of 'The Beaver Den', I have come up with 5 distinct assumed identities, and leave them up to you, my adoring hoard of fans to let me know which one I should invest in:
Harry Boldwin - a small town man with a dream...and what is that dream you ask? To break only the most falsified records ever conceived: Wilt Chamberlain's off the basketball court record (if you are asking what that is, then apparently you haven't had the same dream as my man Harry Boldwin).
Pierre de la Snoose - a hairy Frenchman who has immigrated to the United States looking for a chance to continue his illustrious (and at the same time notorious) career as a poodle wrestler. If you haven't seen him preform and fight these *cough* noble hounds, then you have never truly lived.
Tom Cruise - a one time famous and A list actor, who has now sold his soul to the devil, and become a crackpot who supports a whacked out money based wanna be religion, and thinks he knows all there is to know about psychology (says it is against everything that his religion teaches, but we all know that it is a result of his fear of needing anti-psychotic medications like serequil)....now that I think of it, this might identity might already be in use, check it out at the bottom:
Taylor Pedigrew - from a noble background of nobles from old world Europe. Taylor's only dream is to one day conquer the world, and become the supreme world leader. He believes that in a past life he went by the name 'Lord Xenu' (woah, two shots at scientology in one post?! I am just begging to be sued). and he wants to reclaim his position at the head of the galactic confederacy.
Jacques Burper - a long haired artist who is unfortunately stricken by a very horrible disorder, and that is a disorder in the hierarchy of the needs of love. This poor man just knows that there is that one specific love out there for him (everyone that knows him, knows it is true, but all beg for whatever power that be, grant Jacques that love, so then he could probably stop pining about not gaining it). He plays the guitar, is artistic, and loves to cook, yet his disability afflicts him.
Of course, now after listing all 5 of my favorite assumed identities, if Blogger really is Big Brother, I've totally hosed myself. What the crap?! I'm truly screwed. Lets just hope that I have not blown my chances of hiding from the powers that be (the ones that also preach that 'Global Warming is bad', because as we all know, its good...face it, we all look better with a tan!) will be slim to none. Glad I have extra high clearance to do things since I'm world renowned for my zombie slaying abilities (I'm like a national treasure).
I've had an outrcry for the 'Beaver Den' to come back to life. To resurrect itself, and begin to leave funny material once more. I've heard the pleas, and I've read the fan mail (alright the fan mail consists of just one person writing in, but one is still a number). So, I will restart the 'Den', now hold on tight ladies and gentlemen.
I guess I better explain where I have been, because so many of you are going to be asking yourself that very question. Why I haven't I written? Is there something more important to capitalize my time, rather than bringing meaning to your lives (my adoring public)? Well if you must know, I have been out training with a very elite paramilitary zombie squad. Thats right, I'm preparing for the next outbreak. It has been tough, because I am no longer near my original zombie team (that and I have a wife that will surely be zombie food because she does NOT believe in zombies...her loss I guess). Any ways, I've been in Russia training, preparing, and of course, honing my skills of zombie eradication (I'm to zombies like Chuck Norris is to anything in the world). The training isn't a cake walk though. Russia has one of the highest zombie outbreak rates in the world. Its dangerous (some experts believe it is due to chemical testing that happened in Easter Europe behind the Iron curtain. Biologicals turned into out of control infectious diseases that now create the most lethal of all zombies. The movie "28 Days Later" with Cillian Murphy is the closest to what the real zombies move like. They aren't lumbering, slow, and dimwitted. These bastards are lightning quick, and ruthless. While on a training mission, one of the team got separated, and it was too dangerous to search for him by foot (we were trained in zombie survival scenarios if we were separated from the rest of the team, so we felt that he was in no immediate danger). The only way to search for him in the dark was to use a thermal camera attached to one of the helicopters. Here is the footage, but I warn you, it could be considered graphic.
That is a horrible way to go. It was a shame, but that is the inherent danger of being a zombie slayer. The team is now taking applications for those who might want to join the resistance, and be prepared to destroy the un-dead horde.
On other news, I've also been working for a Mental Health and Mental Retardation company, doing some casework, and skills training. If it weren't for HIPAA regulations, I would already have a sweet book deal in the works, after just three months. I've had to deal with some clients that seem to come right off the Jerry Springer show (one actually claimed that Jerry called them personally to ask if they would be on the show. The producers would have paid airfare, room and board, cigarettes, but no alcohol, that you had to pay for yourself). I even asked my boss if I were to change the names, and write under a nom de plume, but alas I was told no (apparently she had asked the same question some years earlier, and her dreams were squashed as well...although she did say if I promised to cut her in on the deal, I might have a yes). So that is what my time has consisted of. Killing zombies, and working with the mentally impaired.
It started as rioting. But right from the beginning you knew this was different. Because it was happening in small villages, market towns. And then it wasn't on the TV any more. It was in the street outside. It was coming in through your windows. It was a virus. An infection. You didn't need a doctor to tell you that. It was the blood. It was something in the blood. By the time they tried to evacuate the cities it was already too late. Army blockades were overrun. And that's when the exodus started. Before the TV and radio stopped broadcasting there were reports of infection in Paris and New York. We didn't hear anything more after that.
