Me? A New York Times Best Seller?

Tonight, I had probably one of the coolest convos in a really long time about relevant things in the world. I mean, c'mon, how come more people can't see how it's really supposed to be? It's not challenging, if Jakob and I can solve the problems of the world in just a few short hours, why is it so hard for everyone else? People. In our discussion, we concluded all women are weird, and inherently cause drama. Period (well, not some married Godly women, but the rest, drama). Secondly, Jakob thinks its best that I write a book (I thought I was doing so with my blog), about all the crazy and odd things that have gone on in my life. I'm the guy who catches armadillos because I can. I have had so many odd things happen to me that I would be a sure fire New York Times best seller (not like Oprah's choice from author James Frey, and his book 'A Million Little Pieces', wow, way to have something come up and bite you in the butt). My life is exciting. So, in lieu of this encouragement, I'm going to my faithful public. Yes, you people that read my news, and tell me, what should I name my book (if I write one of course). The floor is open. Fire away. Although I do like, 'Aw Crap: Memoirs of an East Texas Hillbilly'. Just kinda has a ring, or something.

Ok, got another picture for you. Found this on a friends web posting site, and well, just so show that I will catch just about any critter out there cuz I can, here ya go (sweet sassy molassy, that is one long run on sentence):
Yeah, you know its me because of my 'We grow em big in Delaware' (what an awesome shirt). Le' thinks I need my own tv show like what Steve Irwin has, but I'm not partial to gettin eatten by large crocs (again, it would be fun, and never say never).

Nikko was easy. Now it's your turn. One night you'll close your eyes, and when they open I'll be there. It'll be time to die.

If you come back in here, I am gonna hit you with so many rights you are going to beg for a left.

I'm Feeling Guilty

I am feeling really guilty right now because I have gone an entire week, and I have not posted one thing during that span. I have let you, my faithful audience suffer because of my lackluster initiative to post. I feel like I am a disgrace to the blogging world. Unfortunatly, I will continue to let you down since I have no new news (that just sounds and reads extremely weird). I do want to give a few pictures for y'all, that way I can prove to each and every one of you out there, that I truely do care about you.

First, I give you the house invader pictures. The other evening, I was walking through the house, and low and behold I find an amphibian just strolling down the hall. That just couldn't be since I didn't let him in, so this was a very interesting find on my behalf. Well, since I have two other amphibians (the turtles) I placed this new amphibian in the tank, curious to see if they would eat this frog. Well, the pictures paint a completely differnt scene that what they're true motives were. Yes, the turtles, once realizing that this was a living critter in their domain, tried to eat it, but I intervened and threw the frog outside to run for its life. So I give to you, 'Turtles and Frog'...
See, I told you that the stupid turtle wanted to show a sign of friendship among amphibians, but in truth, he was just waiting for the frog to get off his back and become his meal.
He's at it again, trying to look innocent and pure. This turtle is a liar! He would like nothing more than to devour that frog, but I wouldn't give him the chance. Now I have to hear about it because I never let him do anything he wants to do (which in all honesty, I do, because all he wants to do is sit on his rock and do nothing, so his arguments are pointless).

Now, onto the next two pictures, and these are posted speciffically for my mother, since she will probably forget how to read her e-mail, I am posting the two sets of golfclubs I'd like them to choose from, for my graduation present. Either the Cleveland CG1 irons...
Which are just straight boss, and maybe help me get to the next level of my golf game (I'm tired of hoovering just over par, I'm ready to go under par!). Or they can go with the classic looks of the Ping S59 irons, which would match nicely with my Ping Bag, and G2 Driver (that club by the way is super boss, I've hit balls over 20 miles with that club)...
There ya have it, a new post for my faithful audience. I am truely sorry that I have no funny stories to share, yet. Saturday I will be at a church bonfire, and I'm sure that I will have stories to tell from that, and more pictures (maybe I'll throw Le in the bonfire for making fun of me, and telling a waitress to remember my face, because there is money in it. Thats right, he told her my face was on wanted posters AT THE POST OFFICE!!! He told her I was a wanted fugitive. Guess he would deserve to be thrown in the bonfire, just don't want him to get burnt too badlly, just a singe mabye).

Television. Television is the explanation for this - you see this in bad television. Little assault guys creeping through the vents, coming in through the ceiling - that James Bond crap never happens in real life! Professionals don't do that!

Texan Til' I Die

Today, after reading Jakob's post, I realized something, it IS great to be a Texan. This is truely God's country. What got me feeling this great about my home state? Besides the fact that I am a diehard Texan, and as some would say, a true hillbilly, it doesn't take much for me to feel this great about this awesome state. What got my creative juices flowing though was a post from Jakob Beltcher. That's what pulled my string (like it takes much for me to get worked up and talk on and on). Well, Jakob posted a 'Rules for Entering Texas', a 15 point commentary about what a foreigner should do, if they ever come to stay in Texas. Upon reading this, I began to think (scary, I had a fire extenguisher handy just in case there was smoke), and I said to my self, 'that sounds more like a person NOT from Texas wrote that'. Sure they got some of the facts about Texans right, but well, there were a few problems, so as a true Texan (kind of an authority on being Texan, seeing how I talk in hillbillyisms and all) I would like to offer my thoughts on these 'rules'. I have also shifted the answers to reflect life from East Texas (where majority of Texans live).

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight, Texas has the best roads in the nation
3. I drive a pickup truck because I am a Texan.
4. Smells like cattle, and oil wells? That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us.
   
5. Get over it. Don't like it here? I-30 and I-10 will get you out east and west, I-20 will get you out of here to Louisiana, I-35 goes north (please, go be a burden on those Okies).
6. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have nienty-thousand dollar bass boats that we use every chance we get a can to call in sick to work.
7. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
8. We all started hunting and fishing when we were six years old. (Yeah, we saw "Bambi" , and "Old Yeller"too. (We got over it.))
9. If that cell phone rings while we're in a deer blind, and that 12 point buck goes a runnin, we will shoot it that darn thing out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women (It's an insult to liken our women to those from Nebraska).
11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.
12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it medium-rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices - salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.
14. If you bring "Hooch" into my house, you should hope that its better than what I got in my still in the shed.
15. Yeah, we have sweet tea (and yes, we drink it year round). It comes in a glass with at least two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.
16. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!
17. Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman and child owns at least two firearms and has taken an NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.
18. Anybody can become an American, but only a Texan by birth.

Now that's more like a true Texan rule book there. Boy howdy. Of course, what rules for comming into Texas wouldn't be complete without a picture of our gorgeous flag (the good ol' Lone Star).

Now that's what I call a 'tear jerker' there y'all. It sure is great to be living in this wonderful state (actually, we are still our own country, but we play nice with the United States, but lets hope that they never cross us).

I don't know for sure exactly how Andy got elected 6 months ago in the first place, but all I do know is that nobody meant for it to happen. It's like the ugly girl in high school who gets picked for prom queen. It ain't nice, but some jerk thinks it's funny and nominates her, and then other people start voting for her thinking no one else is gonna and pretty soon, KAPOW!, the school is stuck with Sheriff Andy for prom queen.

Angry Blog

Ok, what the heck? At one point this blog was getting nearly 20 comments a post, but now, I average 0.7 comments per post. In the eternal words of Le' Cowan, 'What the crap?'. I know that there are those out there who read this, but are to big of cowards to comment, like for example my mother, who I know reads what I write nearly every post. I know this because she yells at me whenever I say something that she doesn't agree with, things that she says I blow out of proportion, like beating me with a broom stick, or when I'm just being plain stupid. Then there are others, the lurkers, these people only read but never post. They're like peeping toms hiding in a tree across the street, and the only time you get a comment out of them is when they are spotted and put on the spot. Well, to you lurkers out there, grow a backbone, and post dang you, POST!

Le', you are correct, we need to get our blogs syndicated. Gain exposure, grow a fan base that will be loyal, like the bloggers of old who bust up evil political schemes. Thats what we need to do. That, or become secret bloggers, and just talk bad about folk, because no one will ever read what we write. Thats just me though.

Another angry comment, but not a problem really, is Mark left shortly before christmas, and thats the last I've heard from him. He's talked to others, I know because they've told me, but not a word to me. I'm not hurt, just kind of miffed. You live with someone, you'd atleast expect a holiday call, or just a curtosy call to inform you that they made it safe and sound to their location. You'd think. Ah well, thats Butters.

I have cable, and internet at the house yet I am posting from campus. What the crap? I'm just a horrible blogger. Never funny, and I have only one true fan, who incidentally, I'm the biggest fan of their blog. So its a bit symbiotic in our commenting lifespans. GAH!

Baby! Baby!... Why does he say this "baby"? The Führer has never said "baby". I did not write, "baby". What is it with this, "baby"?

*NEWS FLASH* I Graduate in May

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. The Beaver proudly brings to you, its soon to be spring graduate of 2006. That's right, finally after years and years of professional institutionalization, the Beav is (please hold your applause until after the announcement please) graduating from college!!!! Your tax dollars hard at work folks. So, in the spirt of this most righteous event I have a special edition quote for all y'all, because it is completely fitting for those who know my educational career statistics:

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?
Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right.
Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven
years.
Richard: I know, they're called doctors.

They say a mind is a precious thing to waste, so keep it in school, and maybe it will learn a new trick or two...well, a new trick, no need to ask too much of 'em. Officially on May 13th 2006, the Beav (that's me) will be graduating from college, with a degree (for all you smartasses out there). It will be a joyous event for all involved. I'm sure mom and pop will cry, because of their baby boy will finally be joining the real world, and his friends will be overcome with joy....

Why do I kid myself? I know my parents are going to be saying, "It's about time that good for nothing freeloader is getting a real job, and will no longer burden us with his incessant rambling", and my friends (who won't be overcome with joy, but rather full of cynicism, and sarcasm) will laugh at me unmercifully, and taunt me, hoping that I trip and fall off the stage at graduation. That's just how the Beav is treated folks. Don't give him sympathy, nor try to humor him, because his beaver pelt is tough and rugged, due to the constant harsh winters inflicted upon him by his loved ones, and thanks to global warming. For the Beav will NOT shed a tear. Maybe kngaw a tree down and watch it fall onto the institution that has kept him oppressed for the past 19 years.

I'm amazed, I graduate. Never thought that would happen. Of course, I have no clue what will happen next. A job? (I hope so). Graduate school? (that would rock). The PGA tour? (only if I can scrounge up $4500 to pay for Q-school, and the PGA accepts my application, then that would rock). Only time and the good Lord will know, but at the moment, I am going to be as optimistic as possible. May even do a cheer, or two...but that would take energy, and I'm a lazy beaver. I'll keep all y'all posted.

Tomorrow, Friday (if I remember my Julian calendar correctly), I (4-6 handicap, depending on how much practice and play I get it) will be playing golf with Pastor Jess(12 handicap), Steven my brother from another race (about a 16 handicap), and Ken the Announcement guy (not even NASA supercomputers can formulate this handicap). We will be going to a cheap golf course for a morning of fun, and I will be taking Ken as my partner for a little lo-ball competition against the Pastor and the non-Caucasian guy. Highest score buys non-alcoholic drinks for the victors (going to be me and the indomitable golfball whacker guy). Mmmm, how tasty a won iced cold coca~cola can be. Then in the afternoon, between 1 and 5 pm, the cable guy from Grande Communications (bless you grande, bless you!) will come and enlighten the house with internet and cable. I'm overcome with tears. This means, I get sports again, and I can blog from the comforts of my very room. I am moved to tears.

So, make plans to be in Corpus Christi on May 13th, or to send me lots of money (or even a new truck for graduation) if you can't attend this monumental achievement for mankind.

Kids today are amazing. I played winter ball down in Venezuela, they had kids half his age, every one of them speaking Spanish. That's a hard language.

Back to School

Oh the first day of school...In college that event isn't such a traumatic event (unless you are like me and you walk into a freshman history class when you're looking for your senior experimental psych class, then it can be traumatic). Alas, I made it to all 1 of my classes today. Film comedy. Yipee! Makes me happy. C'mon, we are going to watch 'Spaceballs' and 'Monty Python: The Search for the Holy Grail'. Rock on! Tomorrow I'll attend the rest of my classes and then figure out how much the rest of my books will cost this semester. I'm shooting for under $400 this semester. We'll see.

I've yet to meet the female version of me, and I'm beginning to think that it is nothing more than a myth, like bigfoot (we all agree that aliens do exist). I am amazed that people actually refer to my thought process as 'the way Nick thinks'. I'm really impressed. Thats about all thats going on in my life today, minus I GOT MONEY! I'll inform my peeps later that I'm getting internet this weekend at the house! So more blogging for me! Sweet.

Here's a special quote just fot the occassion that is today.

Back to school, back to school, I'm going back to school. Gonna prove to daddy I'm not a fool. Got my boots tied tight, hope I don't get in a fight. Back to school.

Oh the Humanity

The joys of weddings. Aren't they fun? I'd much rather go to a funeral than attend a wedding. They are nothing more than a reminder that you will be bound forever to another individual (funerals mean freedom..c'mon, you're dead, no more worries!). That or I'm just morbid, which I'm not. The wedding it self was nice, since I've been to so many (sarcasm). It had your typical "TU national championship comment" (I despise the longhorns). Afterwards, off to a countryclub, where I was forbidden to go home, and get my clubs to go to the driving range (oh the travesty). We stayed around long enough for a couple of things to happen:

A.) The wedding party to arrive.
B.) Me to be insulted, hit with a cheap shot, and not get upset (a major step!)
C.) Bailed to go eat at Wendy's (mmmm, Wendy's)

So, let me explain, as far as me being insulted, and leveled with a cheap shot, (this one was almost as bad as Mike Tyson on Riddick Bowe). Better yet, lets give you a quote! First the background. Can you believe that someone would actually try to goad me into an argument using Ben Afleck? C'mon! How lame is that? I mean if you are going to try and get me to argue, make fun of my mother, I might get offended and fight back (then again, this is the woman who said 'I will never be married', so you better be extra mean with what ever it is you say. Your best bet would be to hate on my golf game, then we'll have words). So now that you are caught up, here we go to the cheap shot:

The Cheapshot Artist: Well atleast Ben Afleck is married to Jennifer Gardner (sad but true in my estimation).

Me: To be honest, I don't measure my achievements in life to what famous people do, even half bit actors like Ben Alfeck.

The Cheapshot Artist: I don't measure myself to them either, I have a career, what are you doing with your life? (woah! woah! woah! there it is, and if John Madden were here, he'd be yelling, 'Boom!').

Who picks on a guy who has no job? Thats just plain mean. Then again, I don't feel bad since this person has a career that is taking pictures, what a tough job (sorry Katie, but atleast you will have a degree for it, this person just takes pictures). Besides, its not a huge accomplishment to be married to Ben Afleck, since Mrs. Gardner-Afleck got knocked up before the wedding (I give the horrible actor a kudo for doing the right thing). But what a cheapshot! Sad, this person is just sad and dejected. If the cheapshot artist is reading, its the truth. To answer what I'm doing with my life is quite significant. I'm earning my degree in psychology, following God's master plan for me, and doing whatever I can to be a faithful steward to serve in his ministires! (John Madden: Boom! Tough 'actin Tinactin!).

Monday comes, hopefully so does my check from school. I'm tried of being broke, and having zero money, and I mean zero money. I paid for 2 cheeseburgers from Wendy's (mmmm...Wendy's) with 209 pennies. I counted them out, and boy was I hungry! I know, I'm a very sad person.

Side note, Le' and Adde said that they met the female version of me yesterday. I've been replaced, my position has been outsourced. Wait, I'm a member of the lackey union! I can't be outsourced! HAHAHAHA! My level in society is secure! Take that liberal media (John Madden again: Boom! Tough 'actin Tinactin!).

Ok, you're caught up, my loving followers. Now here's one just for the Cheapshot Artist, in my now awardwinning, name the quote game.

You're sending me into an Indian casino dressed as a COWBOY, thought this through entirely?

Let's Keep it Short

Ok, since I have only a short period of time, lets cut out the small talk. I made it safely back to Corpus last Friday (yipee?). Anyways, it took nearly 5 hours to get here from Houston (3 hour drive usually). We would have made it back sooner, but Le' had a flat, and we could only go 55 mph due to the donut (why can't all cars have real spare tires that are normal?!). I have spent this week looking for new empolymnet since I was 'let go' by my last place, but the only things I can find, are jobs where it would be a 2 dollar pay cut. No bueno. I'll keep looking, I'm sure that I'll find something.

New Years went off without a hitch...Well, Le' and Adde are now engaged. I'm excited for them, but its another year where I'm alone, still (insert pitty party here). Maybe I should run my personal ad again, and broaden the scope a bit, for a few more prosepctive clients. We shall see. Found out that someone I didn't know read my blog...hehe, maybe this could be a time to give this person a really hard time about the hicke...I mean dog scratch on their neck..(if it isn't obvious who I'm talking about, then too bad for you, because I know I'm laughing).

The house has been redecortated because Mark took all his junk, and some of mine, but that was expcected. Life on the coast is getting back to normal, just needing a new room mate, and it seems Tony might have someone in mind, we shall see (if it works out, talk about living it 24/7 as Le' put it, and so true it that will be). This week is almost over, and school starts soon. Joy. I'm ready. Let me guess, lots of term papers? Yep. No direction after this semester? Uh huh. Bring it on.

Hey, this is the police. Move your busted-ass vehicle. Move, move, move, move. This is the LAPD. We'll pop one in your ass. We got guns and stuff.